Whether you’re looking to accept yourself or others as they are, flexibility to learn new skills and adapt to change or the ability to deal with stress and bounce back from adversity, there is one key to unlock these. All of us have built barriers or even walls to protect ourselves from the harsh realities of daily struggle. But,
there is another way to protect ourselves or be safe. At the point when we are mindful or aware of our battles, and react to ourselves with empathy, compassion, and support in the midst of trouble, things begin to change. We can figure out how to grasp ourselves and our lives, regardless of inward and external imperfections, and give ourselves the strength needed to thrive. When we struggle or fail, we often feel inadequate, but is this feeling really going to help us? That’s when we need self-compassion. Sometimes before we can even be mindful, we need to be kind to ourselves and soothe ourselves first. Think of
a baby here, do we ask them to be aware when they’re hurt or do we give them the soothing, empathy and kindness they need? Soon the baby calms down and starts playing again. Classic example of resilience, right? To be honest, we are all just grown up babies and crave soothing, compassion and acceptance, but often us grown-ups do not get it from others. So, let’s give it to ourselves. When we meet suffering in our lives, let’s decide to give ourselves compassion first. Then let’s invite mindfulness to open to suffering with loving, spacious awareness. Together, mindfulness and self-compassion form a state of warmhearted, connected presence during difficult moments in our lives. Through self-compassion we become an inner ally instead of an inner enemy. There are three components of self-compassion, loving (self-kindness), being connected (common humanity) and being present (mindfulness). When we are in the mind state of loving, connected presence, our relationship to ourselves, others, and the world is transformed. Through mindfulness, we recognize our stress without being judgmental or overreacting. Through self kindness we understand that we are having a hard time rather than being harshly self critical. Through connectedness, we remember that everyone makes mistakes and experiences difficulties. We are not alone!
Let’s try a simple exercise to see if we are compassionate to ourselves or not?
• Close your eyes and reflect for a moment on the following question: Think about various times when you’ve had a close friend who was struggling in some way—had a misfortune, failed, or felt inadequate— and you were in a good place yourself. How do you typically respond to your friends in such situations? What do you say? What tone do you use? How is your posture? Nonverbal gestures?
• Write down what you discovered.
• Now close your eyes again and reflect on the next question: Think about various times when you were struggling in some way—had a misfortune, failed, or felt inadequate. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? What do you say? What tone do you use? Your posture? Nonverbal gestures?
• Write down what you discovered.
• Finally, consider the differences between how you treat your close friends when they are struggling and how you treat yourself. Do you notice any patterns?
Now, reflect upon what came up for you while doing this practice?
When they do this exercise many people are shocked at how badly they treat themselves compared to their friends. If you are one of these people, you are not alone. Preliminary data suggests that the vast majority of people are more compassionate to others than to themselves. Our culture doesn’t encourage us to be kind to ourselves, so we need to intentionally practice changing our relationship with ourselves in order to counter the habits of a lifetime.
Comments