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I am not lonely, I am not sad, I am not aloof, but just alone. Alone in the void of emptiness, Alone in the void of emotions. I feel nothing but empty. But for the sake of it, I found something in the emptiness, something red to be precise. Maybe the red is anger. Anger of not feeling anything after you, anger on myself for being so pathetic, anger on myself for not being able to cry or shout or tell the world I can’t feel anything, anger on myself because I can neither forgive you nor me. I cannot let it go; I cannot let you go. I could have but you left something behind, your ice-skates. The white skates which wheeled your dreams but what should I do with it? Why would you give me something so precious, especially to someone who took your life?
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It all started when we were 8 years old. We used to go to the same school and I was the quiet one. You asked me, “Why don’t you talk? Why do you always sit in a corner? Why don’t you play with us? Are you ever going to talk?” I replied, “If I talk, my father hits me….” You froze for a second and then rushed towards the principal’s office. Next thing I knew was that my step father was arrested and you held my hand tightly and said, “Now I know, he was the reason you couldn’t bloom, Sakura. Your name itself means a flower and now you can bloom, I’ll always be with you.” And from this point, I started living something, something called ‘life’ and it was beautiful. Then we started to grow up, together. Always in the same grade, always sitting together and always getting scolded together. It was so much fun to be with Tsuki. Your name means the moon and you were surely standing up for it, you were the white light I was following. I still remember the day you confessed to me. Just a day before the summer holidays would begin. After the last class of the 9th grade, when there was no one in the room but you and me, only. You were red and I was shocked when you said, “Saku, would you go out with me?” and then you went silent and I followed by saying, “Pervert, I love you too!”. I was embarrassed and you continued, “OH, that too, I love you too.” Hilarious, isn’t it? Knowing all along we love each other and still get embarrassed while confessing it? But the best thing about our love was that we had no façade, we were always real. We were best friends before lovers, we knew each other’s flaws and still made peace with it. That’s the best thing about falling in love with your best friend, there is no pretending!
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Then like everyone has problems in their relationships, we had too after all we were humans. You started getting busy, a little too busy with skating on the cold ice. You wanted to represent the country after all. I knew it was really selfish of me wanting you when you were busy but I couldn’t stay without you, at least not for a long time. Then I stopped asking for your time, I was tired. But I never stopped loving you! Then, on 22nd of February, 2019 I met you outside the station. You were tired from the practice but as soon as you saw me, your face got yellow and all bright. I was so envious of you, I wanted to be like you too. I walked up to you and then you held my hand and said, “I am so sorry Saku I couldn’t be with you; you must have been so lonely. But the coach just gave me a week’s break and all that time belongs to you, I would do anything for you.” I was so pissed at you even when I knew you never meant me to stay alone, and then I said something which I wished I never said! I hope I could trade my life for what I said and I am so sorry for that. I shouted, “You’d anything for me? Then, would you die for me?”
“On 23rd February 2019, Tsukishima Nakamura, found dead due to alcohol over consumption. Body found in the victim’s bedroom and official statement said it is case of suicide.” As soon as I saw this news, I ran towards your house, thinking it’s all fake and you were waiting for me. Assuring myself you wouldn’t leave me alone, assuring myself it is not my fault my eyes were all wavy and heavy. I reached outside your house and I smelled the incense sticks and saw people in black clothes. As soon as your mother saw me, she came rushing towards me and hugged me, tightly. Not letting me go, she kept sobbing. In those sobs I heard, “I am sorry, I couldn’t save him!” I was numb, I couldn’t feel anything! My feet were frozen, in that moment. Your mother gave me your skates and said, “He would have wanted you to have this, his wheels.”
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And till date, I am not able to cry, not able to shout, and not able to forgive. I can’t forgive you and I can’t forgive myself. I can’t, I can’t shout for help! Even if I did shout, who would help a killer like me? I was left alone with your skates which used to remind me of my mistakes. A reminder of pain and suffering, which I couldn’t burn nor could I throw away. They meant everything to you after all. I can’t seem to let you go but who will help me? I guess, I myself should help me or I’ll end up all alone. I don’t want to be alone. I want to live for you. I want you to be at peace wherever you are because I know you would hate me if I would follow you. So, after sobbing and repenting and reminiscing, I took your skates and went to your favourite place, the ice ring. And sat there and thought in that cold, white, gloomy place. I thought of how this place meant so much to you and how I snatched that away from you, your dream. I wore your skates and surprisingly they fit well. I stood on the ice only to fall on my knees. As soon as I touched the ice, I saw it.
I saw everything you felt. The touch of ice, the feel of cold air, you dancing on the ice, gracefully. You let go all your worries on the tender yet hard ice. The ice acted like a magnet and it pulled me towards it. It was cold yet hot for me, and I slept on it. My cheek touched the ice and I could see all our memories; sad, happy, moments with you. And a voice crawled through my throat. The voice was trying so hard to get out and I opened my mouth and I shouted, “I am sorry Tsuki, I am so sorry, I am forgiving you and me on this cold ice. I want to be with you. I am going to be with you through this floor, through these skates and I will carry your dream, not for you but for me. Because I want to feel the way you felt, I want to be as graceful as you. I want to break off the chains which are holding me behind, the chains which are caging up my emotions. I want to let go my guilt, my mistakes, my regrets but not you. Because you taught me the real meaning of the greatest verb, ‘to live’. Don’t worry, I’ve learned it is okay to not let go.
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You’ve created a special forever place in my heart, which will always be a part of who I am. I will skate on the white ground for you and importantly for me. I will be free once I twirl and turn over the ice with your skates. I will be freed from the shackles and I’ll be beautiful just like you. I know you are watching over me and you are happy for me. I am grateful for every single moment spent with you and no matter how I say this it will still be less, I am sorry! Thanks for everything, Tsukishima. You’ll live with me, within me and through me with these skates and this ice ring. They say people say ‘goodbye’ only when they are expecting to meet again. Maybe I will meet someone like you who’ll dance with me on this ice. It’s okay even if the ‘someone’ doesn’t actually dance because I will not be alone, you’ll be with me. It will take time but I will love again, for you and for me. So goodbye Tsuki…
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